Friends with Benefits (FWB): Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved.  Typically two good friends who have casual sex without any kind of commitment.

Not surprisingly, it is often people in their mid-twenties and younger that often tout the advantages of these types of FWB relationships, although there are an increasing number of bloggers in their mid-thirties that are also strong advocates of this type of arrangement.  No matter how many times I read stories about people that are very content with these types of relationships, I just don’t believe that two people can have a physical relationship and both be happy with “just keeping it casual.”  Here are the main problems that I see with this notion that a relationship can be casual and sexual at the same time.

Ongoing and Casual? Despite how much people that enjoy these relationships talk about the benefits of the “casual sex” that their FWB provides, I don’t think that a relationship that is ongoing is really casual.  If the desire from both people were really just to go out and have casual sex, then they would sleep with each other and then move on to someone else.  The fact that they repeatedly sleep with this “friend,” even if they take a break when one of the two is involved in a romantic relationship with someone else, implies that there is an ongoing relationship that is something more than truly “casual.”

One is Content, One Wants More- Usually we just hear from one person involved in a friends with benefits relationship, and they often tell us how well this works out.   They talk about how they have this great friend that they can go to the movies with or even get relationship advice from when they are in a relationship, yet if they are “between relationships” this person is available to satisfy their physical needs.  They make it sound so simple, that it’s tempting to believe that this is true, but of course this is just one side of the story.

On the occasions when we have gotten both sides of the story, it never sounds nearly this simple.  The answers from one of the “friends” always seems to include a longing to be more than “just friends.”  They seem to have agreed to this situation with the hopes that it would evolve into a romantic relationship rather than because they’re perfectly happy this FWB arrangement.  We tackled the friends with benefits topic in our Advice Panel video series, and many of the vloggers and people that they interviewed originally felt that these relationships could work, but over time they changed their views.  It seems that how positive you feel about these relationships depends on whether you view yourself as being on the giving end or on the receiving end.

No Good Ending- Since we usually do find that one person is less than satisfied with a friends with benefits relationship, there really isn’t a good ending for either person.  The person who wants more out of the relationship has obviously set him or herself up for heartache, when the relationship does not evolve into a romantic, committed relationship.  Even the person who is happy with the status of the relationship often ends up miserable, because many of them do describe their friend with benefits as one of their closest friends.  Although it seems obvious to me that hoping to casually sleep with a best friend is a surefire way to lose a friend, I’m often surprised by just how miserable these people are when they lose a good friend after trying to turn a friendship into a friends with benefits situation.

So, no matter how many times I hear that a friends with benefits relationship is the “best of both worlds,” I just don’t believe it.  I think that a relationship is changed forever once two people are intimate and that they can never go back to being “just friends.”  Apparently both people in the relationship don’t always realize that the nature of the relationship was changed in a fundamental way once the relationship became physical, which is why I think that so many people are willing to declare these arrangements a success.

What do you think? Can two people continue to merely be friends once the relationship has become physical?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Musclemama87 proves that transformation isn’t just about changing your look. It is a complete lifestyle change that transcends through every aspect of your daily living. She demonstrates the super hero in all of us, reaching far beneath her outer beauty to share with us her inner strength and wisdom. I had the distinct pleasure of getting to know this near and dear friend a little better when I sat down to interview her for OliciousLife.

OliciousLife.com: Let’s start out by learning a little bit about you. Where were you born and where do you live now?

Musclemama87: I was born in Chicago, Illinois, but my dad soon joined the U.S. Navy. This moved us to Virginia, and then I was off to Bahrain and then Italy. After I met my husband in Italy, we flew off to college in Florida, and then he joined the Air Force which planted us here in Hawaii.

OL: How does your healthy lifestyle influence your home life? Is your family on board with clean eating and exercise?

MM87: My lifestyle has a huge impact on the household. My son rarely eats junk food, but its no problem for him since he prefers it that way. Every once in a while he will eat his cookies and M&M’s. As for exercise, my husband and I exercise everyday at 24 Hour Fitness and our son plays in the Kidszone..so we are one healthy family!

OL: What has been your greatest fitness/health accomplishment? How did you feel when reaching this goal?

MM87: My greatest accomplishment is when I walked across that competition stage for the first time in September 2009. I not only made it to the stage, but I stuck with the prep, and we all know how stressful that is. It was only icing on the cake when I placed first in my class!

OL: Were you active or an athlete as a child? If so, did this stick with you all the way through, or did you have a period when you were inactive? If not, when did you decide to start training?

MM87: In highschool I was captain of the varsity volleyball team. Although this was active, I struggled with bulimia and over-exercising. When I arrived in college, I didn’t do anything and gained more than that “freshman 15.” It wasnt until I reached a weight of 170, after I had my son, that I decided to stop complaining about my size and do something about it — the healthy way. I started training when he was about five months old. I refused to be a mom who used the “I had a baby excuse” to justify my weight gain. I look and feel better now than I ever have!

OL: Is your family supportive of your goals? If so, in what ways? If not, how do you overcome this obstacle?

MM87: Now, everyone is supportive. I did feel that in the beginning I had to prove myself to those close to me. I let all the doubts fuel my fire. I stayed with my dreams, lifted, and pushed myself beyond my envisioned goals. Nothing can stop me!

OL: What has been the biggest challenge with your fitness and dieting goals? How do you stay focused?

MM87: Food! Training lasts for a session throughout the week, but diet is 24/7. Eating clean “off-season” is no problem for me, but during comp prep is so stressful. It can be meticulous to determine your macros, measure, and time meals just to make sure you look your absolute best for your goal.

I don’t have access to a personal trainer or dietician, so I try my absolute best at reading my body and not second guess myself. I stay focused by eating for purpose, not pleasure. A meal only lasts a couple of minutes, but the results from that meal will last longer; that is what matters. THAT is what will get me to stage looking my best.

OL: Where do you see yourself in the future of fitness?

MM87: On the Olympia stage and on the covers, or inside, of fitness magazines (hopefully representing Gaspari Nutrition). Yeah, I know…I dream big! If you don’t aim high, whats the point?

OL: What is your favorite clean eat?

MM87: Baked Chicken and Sweet Potatoes. Doesn’t get any better than that!

OL: Do you have an irresistible cheat?

MM87: Cashews. Some may not count this as a cheat, but I can put away a family size container in one sitting. Go ahead and add up those calories, fat,and carbs and then you will understand why I don’t buy this during comp prep, period.

OL: What is your favorite workout day? Why? Describe a typical training regimen in that day.

MM87: What? Rest days don’t count as a favorite? Just playing!

I love leg day. I feel my strongest and can lift some large numbers..so its always a big boost for my “bodybuilder ego.” I either start on the leg press or leg extension. On leg press, I warm up with 250lbs x 15. Then its pyramid sets all the way up to 600lbs.

I do unilateral leg extensions, hack squats (up to 300lbs), sissy squats, pistol squats, lying leg curls, seated leg curls, standing leg curls, deadlifts, and calf raises. It looks like a lot, but I dont leave that gym unless every fiber in my leg is screaming!

OL: What do you do for peri-workout nutrition?

MM87: About an hour before my workout I will have oatmeal and a protein shake. Thirty minutes before, I will take a N.O product, and I drink Xtend a little before and throught my workout. After I am done training, I immediately take protein powder, aminos, and waxy maize.

OL: Do you have any favorite supplements? If so, what are they and why do you take them?

MM87: I cant live without Whey Protein, BCAA’s, Creatine, and Waxy Maize. I currently use Gaspari’s MyoFusion, which contains all types of protein sources, as it is important to make sure you gain the benefits from all types. I use Xtend BCAA powder. Creatine is taken for muscle growth, and Waxy Maize is ingested after workouts for restored glycogen J.

OL: What is the best compliment you have received since you started training?

MM87: “You look incredible! You should compete!”

OL: Do you have any websites, blogs, or event dates you would like to share or promote?

MM87: As we all know, fitness is a lifestyle, and for this I have surrounded myself in things that represent what I am about. Herbalife is a company that produces natural products for not only weight management, but also cellular nutrition, targeted nutrition (digestion women/mens/children health, heart health, healthy aging, and sports/energy), & outer nutrition (skin & hair).

I will be throwing my grand opening event here in Honolulu to extend my branch over in Hawaii. I am very excited about spreading these great products and benefiting the lives of others as Herbalife has benefited my family and I. Click here to visit my website; it’s great stuff, check it out!

OL: Is there an event in your life that you can attribute to your success?

MM87: Fitness is my passion, so Im sure that I would have stumbled upon it soon enough, but I can attribute the birth of my son, Josiah, to my success.

OL: What is a quote that inspires you?

MM87: “You’re either in or you’re out” -Ava Cowen

“Once you say you’re going to settle for second, that’s what happens to you in life”- John F. Kennedy

“Unless you change how you are, you will always have what you’ve got” -Jim Rohn

OL: Is there anything else you would like to share to help empower other women?

MM87: We, women, are powerful beings. We carry life for 36 weeks, endure childbirth more than most can comprehend, are mothers, food supply (for those that breastfeed), life partners, friends, volunteers, personal chefs, maids, chauffeurs , nurses, cheerleaders, life coaches, teachers, students, and master multi-taskers.

We do all of this while maintaining the jobs we actually get paid for, all the while dealing with monthly hormornal inbalances, and the many stresses from our lives that come from just being a woman. My point is ladies, we do all of this on a daily basis and when most would think we are going to keel over, we always come out on top every single day. We are strong beyond belief and if you just remember that, anything is possible.

Women are superheros. Period.

Wedlock- Maybe it’s because it sounds so similar to headlock or maybe it’s just the inclusion of the word “lock” that makes this term sound so unappealing.  Either way, it sounds likes something that is meant to trap you against your will, and does not conjure up happy images.

Tying the Knot- I’ve read varying accounts of how this expression came to refer to marriage and most have to do with stories about wedding ceremonies where the bride and groom would be tied together to symbolize being “bound together.”  Most people don’t relish in the idea of marriage being the equivalent of a physical restriction.  When people talk about “being tied down” by marriage, it is certainly not meant to express their happiness with marriage.

I did find one romantic legend regarding this term that tells a tale of sailors proposing be sending their sweetheart a length of rope and knowing that the proposal was accepted if the rope was return to them with a knot tied in it.  Despite that sweet tale, knots are more often used to describe a situation that involves a tangle or a hindrance, rather than the more romantic notion of two things being intertwined as one.

Institution of Marriage- Most people don’t view the word “institution” in a very favorable way.  School, prison and mental hospitals some of the most common places that are referred to as institutions, and we tend to view them as places that are mandatory under certain circumstances, not something that we would freely choose.

Marriage License- Yes, this little piece of paper makes it official that you are married in the eyes of the law.  Many states have started to refer to this document as a marriage certificate, and that really isn’t surprising.  There is something about a certificate that we associate with achievement, while there is something about obtaining a license that we associate with standing in long lines and perhaps taking a test.  Obtaining any type of license is not usually something that we get all excited about.

Bridegroom- For centuries this was the official term for a man about to be married, but for the most part this term has been replaced with the word “groom.”  This isn’t surprising, because bridegroom sounds eerily like a man has gone from being a man to being a strange hybrid that is part bride and part groom.  Marriage is a merging in many ways, but most men don’t want to feel that they have gone from being a man to being part man and part woman.

So there you have some of the most common negative terms that are associated with marriage, courtesy of our own research and suggestion from our loyal Twitter followers.  Marriage has changed in many ways since the days when women wore corsets and a proper gentleman didn’t go out in public without a hat.  The terms that we associate with marriage could also use a little updating, especially when it comes to giving marriage a positive sound.  It would nice to have more words that make marriage sound like something that should be celebrated rather than words that make it sound like a punishment.

What do you think? What are your thoughts about these terms?  Any terms you’d like to add?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Other Fun Relationship Posts
Rules of Relationships
The Husband Test

Wrapped up in Specifics- Many women who are involved with men who won’t marry them can easily spot when their friend is in a relationship where love will not result in marriage, yet they don’t recognize this in their own relationship. Paying attention to details is an important part of being a woman.  It enables us to put together an outfit of seemingly unrelated colors because we recognize  undertones that make the clothing match rather than clash.  It is also our attention to detail that allows us to recognize that a friend is feeling down despite her smile because that smile does not reach all the way to her eyes like a true smile.

When it comes to relationships though, attention to details can mean that a woman who has waited five years for a marriage proposal will view her situation as vastly different from another woman who has been waiting the same length of time.  Her focus on the specifics of her man dragging his feet on marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce, will often make her feel that this is a very different situation than one involving a man whose excuse is that he’s “just not ready.”  From the outside, we see that excuses are excuses, but from the inside it can be hard to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture.

One True Love- As much as I consider myself to be a romantic, I’m not a big proponent of the notion that everyone has just “one true love” that is out there and meant just for them.  I don’t deny that love is wonderful and is hard to find, but I strongly believe that love only grows into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime through work and compromise from both partners based on shared goals and values.  If you want to be married and the man in your life does not want to get married, then no matter how much love there is, it will not be able to grow into the type of love that will allow your relationship to last a lifetime.

I sympathize with women who are afraid to leave a relationship that is not resulting in the marriage they’d hoped for because they feel that they have met their one true love, but this can be a mental trap that will keep a woman waiting around even once she is sure that this man will never marry her.  When we talk to women who found the strength to leave a man that they loved in search of someone who would love them as well as share their goal of marriage, they are often a little uncertain if they have made the right decision.  It is only the ones who have already found both love and that previously missing compatibility that are one hundred percent certain that leaving was the right decision.  Of course that first step of leaving needs to be taken before that feeling of certainty can ever be reached.

Time Put Into the Relationship- Whether it’s business or a relationship, it is hard to walk away from something that we have poured our time and energy into.  As a business consultant, I often found that people ignore all logic when they have invested large amounts of time and energy into an endeavor.  No matter how clear it was that they were pouring more time and energy into something that was destined to fail, it was hard for them to walk away because of all the time and energy that they had already invested.

It is even more difficult when it comes to relationships, because what we have invested extends to our hearts and souls in addition to our time and energy.  In business the expression “sunk is sunk” sums up a failing situation   that cannot be turned around no matter how many additional resources are thrown at it.  The same is true of relationships. It may seem that we should continue in a relationship because so much of ourselves has already been invested, but putting even more time into a relationship that is sunk will not turn it around.  Just like in business, once you realize that you are in this situation it is better to cut your losses and move forward, while recognizing what you learned during that time and vowing to avoid those mistakes in the future.

So, there are the most common reasons that women who want to get married cite for staying with a man who will not marry them.  On the surface, the situations seem simple and the decision to leave often seems obvious.  When we look at it from the perspective of the women who stay, it may still seem clear what their decision should be, but it is also clear that this decision if far from easy.

What do you think? Why do women stay with men who won’t marry them even if they desperately want to be married?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Related Posts
Why Won’t He Marry Me
5 Signs That He Won’t Marry You

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Kristine Rasmussen has an outward glow that can light up any room. Her drive toward ultimate health and wellness will inspire anyone who sits down and has a conversation with her. After she competed in her first WBFF bikini show in Calgary, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing this up-and-coming bikini competitor to learn about her fitness philosophy.

OliciousLife.com: Let’s start out by learning a little bit about you. Where were you born and where do you live now?

Kristine Rasmussen: I was born in Saskatchewan, Canada and have been here ever since. I used to think I wanted to move somewhere more “exciting” but every time I leave home, I miss it!

OL: How does your family view health and fitness? Did this carry over from childhood, or did you have to learn a new approach as an adult?

KR: Growing up, my family was always quite active. My sister any I figure skated competitively for 10 years. I was also raised on the farm so I have always known how to work hard. I love working outside and keeping busy, so when I moved away from home to attend post secondary schooling, the first thing I purchased(honestly) was my gym membership.

My mom always tried to provide my sister and I with healthy food choices while growing up. I remember playing barbies with my sister and getting excited when my mom would come in with a bowl of fresh cut fruit. I was always a very pickey eater and never had any weight issues as a kid.

OL: What has been your greatest fitness/health accomplishment?

KR: Stepping on stage this past Saturday was my greatest accomplishment. I love working out and living a healthy active lifestyle and competing is something that I have always wanted to do.

OL: When did you decide to start training and what encouraged you to do so?

KR: When I decided to quit figure skating, I missed being active. My muscles I had developed from skating where beginning to disappear, and I couldn’t let that happen.

OL: Who is the biggest influence/support in your life and why?

KR: Besides my parents, my sister and my boyfriend, my coach Olesya is a HUGE influence and support for me. She is incredible and I cant even begin to explain all of the ways she has helped me out.

OL: What has been the biggest challenge with your fitness and dieting goals? How do you stay focused?

KR: My biggest obstacle this year was identifying my food intolerance.  After months of nausea, fatigue, severe digestive issues, and water retention, I FINALLY discovered that I have a gluten intolerance. On top of this I have realized that my body does not respond well to dairy. Ever since pin-pointing these issues, my appearance, mood, and health has improved dramatically.

OL: Where do you see yourself in the future of fitness?

KR: I plan to continue with my healthy and active lifestyle for the rest of my life. I hope to continue competing for now and give my self something fun to work for!

OL: What is your favorite clean eat?

KR: I love a nice bowl of romaine lettuce topped with chopped chicken breast, green onions, udo’s oil and a sprinkle of sea salt!!!

OL: Do you have an irresistible cheat?

KR: I never really crave junk at all, and with a gluten intolerance, my choices are somewhat limited. BUT, I do love a mixture of raisins and nuts for a treat.

OL: What is your favorite workout day? Why? Describe a typical training regimen in that day.

KR: I love ALL workout days. My training style is mostly full body workouts, metabolic circuits, and other high intensity/short duration workouts. I like to work hard and get OUT. None of my workouts last longer than 30-45 min.

OL: What do you always eat before and after your workout?

KR: I dont have any specific pre or post workout meals. I have not noticed any difference in recovery or progress with doing so. Keep it simple.

OL: Do you have any favorite supplements? If so, what are they and why do you take them?

KR: I only take a multivitamin, and Vit D in the winter. I personally dont believe supplements are necessary if you have a proper diet.

OL: What is a quote that inspires you?

KR: The future is always beginning NOW.

OL: Is there anything else you would like to share to help empower other women?

KR: Stop thinking about what you COULD have done in the past. You are in control of your actions from this moment forward, make them count. Don’t wait for tomorrow. A goal without action is nothing more than a dream!

I decided to do some digging to see if counseling really tends to help marriages or not.  I found a study from the University of Chicago which surveyed couples who claim to have turned around previously unhappy marriages.  In this study, 1/3 of the couples interviewed had sought counseling, and the majority of these couples did not feel that counseling made any significant contribution to saving their marriage.  We’ve had much the same input on LuvemOrLeavem with couples either feeling that counseling was of no value to them and sometimes made things worse.  Here are some of the main complaints that we’ve heard about marriage counseling:

Climate Setting- Very often, one person suggests that counseling be sought, and the other simply goes along with this request.  Many of the spouses who went to counseling at the request of their spouse felt very strongly that the decision to end the marriage had already been made.  They expressed the feeling that their spouse wanted to set the tone for how unhappy they were by asking that they attend counseling rather than flat out asking for a divorce.  I can understand how this can happen, but I think that it’s unfair to mislead someone into thinking that counseling is an attempt to save the marriage if the true  purpose is to help the spouse understand that the marriage is over.

Counselors Who Are Divorced- I’m not prepared to say that a counselor who has been divorced cannot properly counsel a couple, but I can understand why a person would be leery of the high number of marriage counselors that do seem to be divorced.  We received one letter from a woman who was outraged to discover that the counselor who was supposed to be working to help her save her marriage had been previously been married three times.  Yes, I understand that they went to school for this and are credentialed, but this scenario still feels very similar to going to an orthodontist with horribly crooked teeth.

Marriage Counselor or Divorce Counselor?-  I am always surprised at the number of women who tell us  how great their “marriage counselor” as they then go on to explain how much their counselor helped them cope after their divorce.  While I’m glad that counseling helped them, I can’t help but wonder why their expertise was more in the area of divorce than the area of marriage.

All Talk and No Action- One of the biggest complaints that couples shared with us is that they felt that their weekly sessions were  more about sharing their problems rather than solving these problems.  Sometimes it feels great to get things out, but sharing what you feel is wrong about your spouse and your marriage can just lead to bad feelings if you don’t get beyond the “airing out” stage.  Several of these couples had been in counseling for over a year and felt that there was no end in sight for when the would done with counseling.

So while I do feel strongly that unhappy marriages can be saved, I still don’t feel convinced that counseling plays a significant role in saving most marriages.  The stories that we’ve received and the study that I mentioned seem to show that I am not alone in questioning just how helpful counseling is when it comes to saving marriages.  It is impossible to say whether the counseling itself is flawed or whether many of the couples seek counseling do so after being unhappy for such a long time that it that much harder to save the marriage.  One thing that is certain is that if you do start to feel that your marriage may benefit from counseling, it is best to seek help early and to choose your counselor very carefully.

What do you think? Do you believe that marriage counseling can save a marriage?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Now let’s roll the clock back to roughly 8 a.m. that morning and you’d see me literally jumping out of bed ready to go. The adrenaline rush that I had all day was amazing.  I spent the morning reapplying my tan, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom all the while walking around in my clear stripper shoes, so that I wasn’t road kill on stage that night.

I looked and felt amazing that day and all the text messages and Facebook postings of support from friends, family, and other figure competitors only added to my excitement and happiness.

I just kept thinking, “I DID it!”

Eight months of weight training with Frank were about to pay off, along with the last eight weeks of contest prep dieting. I started dieting on May 1st to get ready for July 9th. The first 4 weeks entailed 1160 cals, carbs 3 days a week and cardio for an hour a day. Spin class at 24 Hour Fitness became my new best friend. Teachers, if you haven’t used your health insurance to join, then get a move on and make it happen!

The last 4 weeks weren’t so easy to follow calories-wise. The first 2 weeks I was dropped to 1,000 cals a day and cardio twice a day. The last 2 weeks dropped to 800 cals and still cardio twice a day. This wasn’t so bad once the school year ended, but that last week of school was rough what with getting up at 5 a.m. to get round one of cardio in before going to work.

It should also be noted that I work part time at Dunkin’ Donuts over the summer — that was not an easy place to be during contest preparation and on the days that I worked there starting at 7 a.m.; I had to get up at 4 a.m. to get the first round of cardio done.  But I did it all with very little whining along the way. I’m sure Frank the Trainer would beg to differ, but he’s a great personal trainer and takes very little of my garbage, which we all know I can dish out by the bucket load.

I stepped on that stage on July 9th, 2010 at 106lbs and 13.8% body fat. I don’t qualify for Amazon status yet, like the girl in green, but I am working on it.

I’ve been weight training for roughly two years and I started taking it and myself seriously within the last year, and it has improved my self-esteem, my self-confidence and my body. I feel better mentally, physically and emotionally. The sense of personal accomplishment that I have right now is amazing. Being that this was only my 2nd show it wasn’t about competing with the other girls in my division, it was about competing with myself mentally and physically.

It was a battle everyday with the treadmill, the bike in spin class, the refrigerator, and grocery shopping properly, but the end of the day I won! Since I began training with Frank I have gained roughly 6lbs of muscle and drastically improved my diet, and now there is nowhere to go but up from here.

Huge gains within a year!

Back to the present it is now 10 a.m. July 11th, and I get a week off from training. No cardio, no weights, and no eating clean if I choose, and for the last 48 hours I’ve chosen to eat pretty poorly. As soon as I was done at the show my friends and I hit the Cheesecake Factory and I had a wonderful ice cream drink and fish and chips and took some cheesecake to go and Saturday night we hit Anthony’s Pizza and I had my standard pepperoni and black olive pizza and their amazing salad, and after dinner I had some peanut M&M’s and Sour Patch Kids for Desert.

No photos of the pizza night because I forgot the camera at home, but the rest have been documented for posterity. This has been an amazing journey and experience and there is nowhere to go but up from here and I am planning on two more shows in the fall just for the experience, then it becomes the off season and it’s time to lift heavy, lift hard and make some major gains in the muscle department.

There is nothing more empowering than stepping on that stage and knowing that you worked your butte off to get there.

Laughing -- I try to do this at least 47 times a day

OliciousLife.com: Let’s start out by learning a little bit about you. Where were you born and where do you live now?

Stablesgirl: I was born and raised in Ohio, but I live in Atlanta now.  I’ve been here for ten years and I say “y’all” so I’m officially southern.

OL: How does your family view health and fitness? Did this carry over from childhood, or did you have to learn a new approach as a adult?

SB: Growing up, I didn’t eat healthy, but I didn’t eat terribly unhealthy, either.  My parents didn’t give us sweets often, and we ate fast food even less.  However, if I didn’t want to eat my veggies, I wasn’t forced to; my mom always just said she wasn’t going to make anything else. I ate a lot of bagels and cereal.  On the fitness side, I was always an active kid.  I took gymnastics and was a cheerleader in junior high, high school and college, but I never did any weight training.

OL: What has been your greatest fitness/health accomplishment?

SB: Getting on stage for the first time in October of 2009 to compete in figure was a huge accomplishment- even though I was the skinniest girl on stage!  I felt so proud of myself for pushing through the challenging diets and workouts and showing off all my hard work.  Then a few weeks ago I took the stage for my first bikini competition.  I loved every minute of it and plan to stick with the bikini division, as it seems to suit my personality and body type.

OL: When did you decide to start training and what encouraged you to do so?

SB: In 2007, I was in a serious horseback riding accident.  I was thrown and landed in a seated position, shattering my T12.  I was in a body cast for a few months, and weighed less than 100 pounds.  I hated being so weak.  Once I recovered fully, I wanted to push myself to be even stronger than I was before my accident.  I joined a gym and began strength training in March of 2009.

First day of training -- in March of 2009

OL: Who is the biggest influence/support in your life and why?

SB: My mom and sisters cheer me on constantly.  My mom had a heart attack last year and now goes to cardiac rehab.  She says thinking about my training encourages her to keep going and keep strengthening her heart, which is awesome.  My sisters are both working out now as well.

OL: What has been the biggest challenge with your fitness and dieting goals? How do you stay focused?

SB: No doubt about it, my biggest challenge is making time to prep my food!  I don’t enjoy cooking and I work really long days.  When I don’t pack food I end up hitting a fast food place, or skipping meals entirely.  I have to force myself  cook on Sunday nights and get everything packaged for the week.  If I can make myself do that, I’m golden.

OL: Where do you see yourself in the future of fitness?

SB: I am 100% addicted to working out and eating healthy.  I have my moments of weakness with the diet, but I know I will stick with this lifestyle long-term.  The benefits of how I look and feel keep me focused and hungry for the next goal — not the next super-sized order of fries.

OL: What is your favorite clean eat?

SB: Strangely enough, oatmeal.  And to think I used to hate it… Now I love it, especially when it’s dressed up with bananas and honey.

OL: Do you have an irresistible cheat?

SB: One word: chocolate.

OL: What is your favorite workout day? Why? Describe a typical training regimen in that day.

SB: Shoulders and chest.  It’s a love/hate day because I love shoulders and hate chest.  But the shoulder exercises I love are military presses, lateral raises, arnold presses and front raises.  Lately I’ve not been counting reps so much; I’ve just been beginning as heavy as I can with each exercise, and moving down in weight when I’m exhausted.

OL: What do you always eat before and after your workout?

SB: It varies a little, but it’s usually oatmeal before I work out, and either egg whites and salsa after, or sometimes a whey protein shake.  Oh, and I just started taking Jack3D before my workout.

OL: Do you have any favorite supplements? If so, what are they and why do you take them?

SB: Speaking of whey, that’s my only standard supplement.  I love it because it’s quick and easy and helps me hit my calories for the day.

OL: What is the best compliment you have received since you started training?

SB: A stranger came up to me and said “I have to know.  What do you eat?”  She went on to tell me that I looked healthy, natural and beautiful.  I could have hugged her.  Actually, I think I did.

OL: Do you have any websites, blogs, or event dates you would like to share or promote?

SB: Nope.  I’m actively searching for my next challenge.

OL: Is there an event in your life that you can attribute to your success?

SB: My accident is what kicked everything off – and once I saw progress I was hooked.

OL: What is a quote that inspires you?

SB: If you don’t focus on your booty, no one else will

OL: Is there anything else you would like to share to help empower other women?

SB: I think women get overwhelmed when they think that in order to succeed in fitness they have to change everything — start working out hard, lifting heavy, measuring and weighing food, buying supplements…. but I want women to know they don’t have to jump in at that level.  If you’re just starting out, start slow.

Pick something you know you can change and tackle it.  Kill a bad habit.  Create a new good one.  I still consider myself a newbie in this process.  I don’t lift as heavy as a lot of the OL women do.  I don’t weigh my food and I don’t have exact macros I’m trying to hit every day.  Maybe one day I will get to the point where I do those things, but for now I’m satisfied with the positive changes I’ve made, and I’m moving forward at the pace that works for me.

The situation is nowhere near that simple though, since in most cases the natural mother plays the main role or a major role in the lives of these children.  I found that many stepmothers did indeed refer to their step children as “his children” despite the large role that many of them play in raising their stepchildren.  These women do not refer to their partner’s children as “his children” because they in any way resemble the “wicked stepmothers” of fairy tales fame.  Instead, they refer to the children this way because experience has shown them that their role is filled with parenting responsibilities but is lacking the full authority that both natural parents have.

So just what are the problems that women grapple with when deciding whether or not their relationship can survive being a stepmother to his children?  Here are the top issues these women have posted on LuvemOrLeavem:

Disney Dad- The Disney Dad is the dad who just wants to deal with the “fun part” of parenting.  These are often the men who get a limited amount of time with their children.  When they do get time with them, they often have no desire to be a disciplinarian.  As much as these dads may want to focus on having fun with their kids, there is no such thing as a hiatus from enforcing the rules.

What is especially bad for the women involved with these dads is that while dad is having fun with the kids, the women are often the target of these badly behaved kids.  Everything from disrespectful behavior to a total lack of appreciation is often dealt with by the stepmothers.  If the woman has children of her own, the situation can quickly be out of control as she fears that her children will pick up these bad behaviors or may merely question why the house rules that apply to them don’t apply to the step children.

Infringing Ex-  When a man’s ex-wife is still part of his life, it is always stressful for the new wife to understand where she fits into his life.  When that ex-wife is the mother of his children, the amount of interaction with the ex-wife is much more frequent and has the potential to create a steady stream of awkward situations.  If there are disputes about shared custody or visitation schedules, the stepmother often finds herself right in the middle of constant disputes that are supposedly only disputes between both parents.

No Bonding- One of the most common situations that we hear about is from women who just can’t bond with their stepchildren.  Most women enter these  marriages assuming that stepchildren that don’t like them will warm up to them over time.  Sometimes this happens, but like everything that has to do with parenting, there are no guarantees.

The women who never bond with their stepchildren or who don’t bond to the degree that view as “healthy” often feel bad about themselves and their marriage.  It can put a lot of stress on a marriage when a woman feels this way.  Sometimes the children are still healing from the parents’ divorce, and sometimes they just can’t seem to share their father’s time and love with his new wife.  The balance for the stepmother is really trying to improve the aspects that can be improved, while learning to accept the parts of the relationship that they have no control over.

So there are the most common scenarios that are submitted to us by stepmothers and women who are thinking of becoming stepmothers.  If these situations sound familiar to you, you can find a place devoted to the ups and downs of being a stepmother at StepsForStepMothers.com.  The site is run by therapist, author and stepmother, Dr. Rachelle Katz.  In her new book, The Happy Stepmother, Dr. Katz outlines 10 steps that women can use to take action in improving their quality of life as a stepmother rather than feeling helpless.  This is especially important for stepmothers and stepmothers to be, because a sense of helplessness is every bit as prominent as a sense of doubt in the stories that we receive from these women.

What do you think? What special challenges do you think that stepmothers face?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.