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This is a discussion on Forgiveness within the Relationships and Family Life forums,----- Recently I have been faced with an issue - to forgive and forget or not... My mind keeps racing with ...
Recently I have been faced with an issue - to forgive and forget or not... My mind keeps racing with all the thoughts of cheating, the lies - and it all leads to an obsession of sorts.
So I question - what are things you do in order to forgive and move on?
Wow that is a hard question!!
Firstly, time heals everything, cliche I know but true. There are somethings in my life that have happend that I haven't been able to forgive, but have come to terms with. Yeah it happend move on with my life. But I don't speak with that person(s) anymore.
You have to want to forgive to forgive, is this a person whom you want in your life and you want to forgive or do you just want to move on. If you want to move on, you just hve to realize you can't change anything, anyone and go forward happy.
If you want to forgive, I've always delt with the issue with the person. Here's how I felt and why did you do this? I have 2 examples I can give
1. My father: incredibly abusive mentally, physically and HRS took me from him adn give me to my mother. I can't begin to tell you the horrible things he's done. When I was 17 I wanted to address the why of the matter. So I made contact with him for about 4 years. All he could say was he was teaching me respect and did no wrong. Well i know that was not true therefore i cut him out and moved on with my life. He was still trying to control and abuse me
2. My ex BF broke up with me for literally no reason. He just asked me to move out one day. And said he didn't want to live together anymore. Then I moved out and we attempted to stay friends and he just wanted a booty call. I said sorry bud, I respect myself more than that. I needed to know why! he was a looser and he didn't want me, I was thinkig what was wrong with me. Anyway, he finally told me he was cheating on me and didn't think it was fair to me and he didn't want to hurtme . I told him it was OK and thanked him for telling me, it still made me mad. But I just decided it wasn't worth the stress of getting angry and forgave him.
Forgiveness is a long metal process and if it's a deep emontial scar it could take a long time.
Here is something from a article for you:
"1) surrendering the right to get even with the person who wronged us, (2) reinterpreting the person who wronged us in a larger format (letting go of the over-simplified picture we have created of them), and (3) allowing the emergence of a desire for the welfare of the person who wronged us. In forgiving, the forgiver gets to benefit from reducing their own negative affect (resentment), negative cognition (harsh judgments), and negative behavior (revenge-seeking).
Although forgiveness can be seen as an unconditional gift given to someone who may not deserve it, it is also a huge gift to our own mental wellness. As we let go and forgive a person who has hurt us, we experience relief and healing."
Feel better hon *hugs
__________________
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli
Wow, I loved your response... I think you are so right... I do believe forgiveness helps us but at the same time it is easier to not forgive...
Forgiveness is one thing I have to do over and over again... My Weezy told me a few weeks ago - forgiveness is something you have to do each time the negative thought creeps up in your mind... It isn't one time - it is ongoing...
One thing women are good at is forgiving. Sometimes it just feels like you've forgiven so many times you want someone else to say sorry. But that doesn't happen. It hurts. But at that point it's just better to realize I'll feel better for me. For the next person who comes into my life or for the next situtation or next person who needs me if I forgive.
Forgetting is hard for me too, but as I get older.... hehe seriously, I really do try to people how I want to be treated. I don't try to hurt anyone so if i do accidently I'd want to be forgiven without it being held over my head therefore I forgive, I might remember but I don't hold it over their heads, if it's still bugging me I talk about it until I have closure.
I'm having to do a forgiveness thing this weekend in person, or well to further a forgiveness, I don't think I'll be completely there just yet.
Well I started to forgive last year, with a releasing mediation. You think of the person and how they wronged you, you then have a conversation with that person in your head explaining things.
I found a few things were clear to me at that stage, my vanity was actually wounded a bit more than I wanted to think it was. That was hard for me to admit because I didn't want my vanity to have anything to do with what happened, it was supposed to be the principle. It's all very tiring work I have to say.
Anyway I'm not sure if I can trust the person, or how much is worth bringing up, as she's somewhat of a dipsy, it happened quite a few years ago in '99. But these Irish never really seem to go away when you know with the same crowd.
They have all learned to just get on with in some ways, because they have to. And I'm talking petty teenage stuff, or big drama breakups and they can act like nothing ever really happened. I mean they have their big blow ups, but then they just carry on. I can't say for sure that they all really forgive though.
I once told someone who had hurt me "I forgive you, because in forgiving you...I forgive myself."
Life is too short to not forgive. Reliving a hurt over and over only hurts the one doing the reliving.....
A tough thing to do. I had a friend who betrayed me very, very deeply and it took a long time to forgive him and move on. A lot of it was just that - it ate at me less and less over time and I was able to digest what had happened. Some of it was prayer...asking to be able to do something in and of itself helped release that burden, I think, and asking over and over seemed to give me relief, in many ways.
And I don't think you have to "forget," either. You can give up the "hate" (whether that's too strong a word or not, you know what I mean - the bad feelings) in your heart for what someone's done and it doesn't mean you can't exercise caution in trusting the person again. There's a difference between caution and using something as a weapon, I think.
Forgiveness
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