Need advice about SO

[beautyinprogress]

Ok so most of you ladies know that I've been involved with a man for the last year who recently got divorced and pursued me after his divorce. I held him off for about 3 months, not sure he was ready, and then finally agreed to be part of his life....Now in the last year we've been through a lot together. Most of which revolves around the Police Academy, Field Training and finally his becoming a full fledged police officer (job change due to a layoff)

Now in the middle of all this I fell for him (hard) and I told him I loved him just before the Holidays and he's been distant and mean and cold ever since, now at the same time he was working the night shift as part of his field training and so I ignored most of it and chalked it up to field training.....

He's recently gone back to days but his attitude hasn't changed so we had a major blowout with each other Sunday night and just aired our dirty laundry so to speak. I thought we were done....However we came out the other side with a plan of attack on how to fix our situation and what makes us unhappy...However one comment he made sticks with me and makes me question myself everyday...

Twice within the last 2 months (Sunday being the second) he's said "I am incapable of loving anyone right now. I care deeply for you but I don't love you." So my dilemma is...How long do I ride that out? Can I really stay with someone who has flat out said he can't love me right now?

He is so damaged from his previous marriage that he can't see the "good" he has in his life right now and he is so angry about the life he's lost that I don't really fit in....

We came to a truce the other night and we agreed that he was going to buy a house on his own and that I was going back to school and that we were going to fix our own lives and continue being together, but knowing he doesn't love me really hurts....

Suggestions?

[Mloveb]

I was in an almost identical situtation but we were together for 3 years then he told me he didn't love me and asked me to move out so I did, I would go visit him and what not. When I would go over he'd want to hang out and not to long after being there we would have sex, this happend for 2 weeks before I realized all he wanted was a booty call. So I told him we could be friends but I am going to start seeing other people and not be with him at all, I told him I was worth more than just sex and honestly I am the type of person that is something goes that way I move on. We trying to stay friends until I found out he was hacking into my emails and IM conversations.

Fast foward 3 years later and I run into him and he decides to come clean that he was cheating on me. I was like WTF how you never had time, he told me he was lying about the times he had to be at work and would meet her at her place which was less than a 1 miles from our apartment. I forgave him for it, eh what could I do I didn't love him anymore.

Honestly, I can't tell you do this or do that. But it kinda sounds like he wanted the comfort/warmth of a person there to help and support him after the breakup. If I were in your shoes I would call it off completely and do a lets be friends thing. If it works out later after he does some growing and soul searching it works out. My thought is you can't have your cake and eat it too.

BUT there is no way just being online followers that we can know the full scope of what's going on in your lives. So good luck hon sorry it's come down to this and hope it works out for the better!!

[alygrrl]

Originally Posted by Mloveb

I was in an almost identical situtation but we were together for 3 years then he told me he didn't love me and asked me to move out so I did, I would go visit him and what not. When I would go over he'd want to hang out and not to long after being there we would have sex, this happend for 2 weeks before I realized all he wanted was a booty call. So I told him we could be friends but I am going to start seeing other people and not be with him at all, I told him I was worth more than just sex and honestly I am the type of person that is something goes that way I move on. We trying to stay friends until I found out he was hacking into my emails and IM conversations.

Fast foward 3 years later and I run into him and he decides to come clean that he was cheating on me. I was like WTF how you never had time, he told me he was lying about the times he had to be at work and would meet her at her place which was less than a 1 miles from our apartment. I forgave him for it, eh what could I do I didn't love him anymore.

Honestly, I can't tell you do this or do that. But it kinda sounds like he wanted the comfort/warmth of a person there to help and support him after the breakup. If I were in your shoes I would call it off completely and do a lets be friends thing. If it works out later after he does some growing and soul searching it works out. My thought is you can't have your cake and eat it too.

BUT there is no way just being online followers that we can know the full scope of what's going on in your lives. So good luck hon sorry it's come down to this and hope it works out for the better!!

Wow.
What we have all been through, eh?
Very similar situation.
He loved me, he didn't then he did again...then came the cheating...I got back together with him...big mistake, we hate each other now...we don't speak...it was a messy split.

I agree with Mloveb...maybe a split is the right way to go. I hate to tell you girls what to do with your SO...but if my guy told me he was incapable of loving me, I would ask him if he is capable of packing his bags in under 15 minutes because that is all I am giving him to get out my front door.

[beautyinprogress]

We don't live together. We have our own apartments, and all of what he told me the other night has nothing to do with me....He's angry about...

1. His marriage falling apart. He told me he trusted his instincts once and they were wrong, so now he's afraid to trust them again with me.
2. He's angry about being in Florida. He wants to be back in PA and his divorce settlement doesn't allow it.
3. He doesn't like being in an apartment and wants a home/yard of his own.
4. Getting laid off from a job that made 6 figures to becoming a police man at 52,000 a year.
5. He never gets time to himself because if it's not his weekend to work then he has his son, while his ex wife is free to do what she wants when it's not her weekend.

He also wants me to be independently happy and he's right about that.. I am very susceptible to other people's moods and he was angry and depressed for the last few months, and most of it was directed at me because I am his g/f and I'm supposed to listen to him vent, but it made me the same way and quite frankly I got tired of being his cheerleader and getting nothing in return.

I hate my teaching job and have for sometime so I am going to get a part time job and go back to school for my master's degree and also go back to living my own life and not be so wrapped up in him and he is going to make a conscious effort to buy a home and work on his issues...I just wonder if we can work on ourselves and still stay together....I know this is ultimately my decision,and I know that's why he told he doesn't love me....He wants me to be the bad guy. He doesn't want to leave me and take the blame on himself.

I guess I need to see if he sticks to what we decided the other night and see if we can work this out...Today I am just feeling like my love for him is not enough to salvage this situation....

[Mloveb]

To your BF about the things he's unhappy about.

Life is honestly what you make of it, you either choose to wake up happy everyday and appreciate what you have or you can wake up angry/mad/negative everyday. I think being happy is easier. Esp since there is ALWAYS someone worst off than you. At least he has a job, he can get a house with some savings. He can move back to PA in time, like once his child turns 18 =) I know FL law says he can't move if he has any kind of custody or he loses it.
And again he should've thought of all that before he persued you. Now's he's putting you through the ringer of emtions because he's mad at his life and "incapable of love". Being the person I am that sounds like excuses to me.

I apologize for sounding very blunt, I usually am very blunt. I've been through enough physical, sexual and emotional abuse, a failed marriage and bad relationships to be crying everyday but I don't let it get to me, I choose to be greatful for the little that I have and my 33K a year job when I took a cut from 120K a year (well about 5k-10k a month) I am happy with how my life turned out everyday I look around see people whom are so much better and so much worst, it's really a choice of how you want to feel and to make the best of your current situtation.

I really do feel for you thought because it's so hard to make these kinds of decisions when you care for and love someone.

[stablesgirl]

You listed the things that are making him unhappy, and they don't have to do with you, but you admit it's affecting your mood too and that's not fair. I think you're absolutely correct to go back to school and to do anything else that makes you happy. Your happiness can't be 100% linked to his, and you are right to try to correct that. As far as the relationship goes, you have to decide if what he's offering is enough for you. If you stayed in the relationship, would you be happy? Would you always want him to say he loved you, or would you be satisfied with how things are? I don't envy you. It's not an easy decision to make. It's possible that if you said it wasn't enough for you and you were ready to walk away, that would make him realize what he has... but there's no guarantee he will, and you can't do that if you aren't actually willing to walk away.

[beautyinprogress]

Originally Posted by stablesgirl

You listed the things that are making him unhappy, and they don't have to do with you, but you admit it's affecting your mood too and that's not fair. I think you're absolutely correct to go back to school and to do anything else that makes you happy. Your happiness can't be 100% linked to his, and you are right to try to correct that. As far as the relationship goes, you have to decide if what he's offering is enough for you. If you stayed in the relationship, would you be happy? Would you always want him to say he loved you, or would you be satisfied with how things are? I don't envy you. It's not an easy decision to make. It's possible that if you said it wasn't enough for you and you were ready to walk away, that would make him realize what he has... but there's no guarantee he will, and you can't do that if you aren't actually willing to walk away.

We talked again today because I called him while he was duty. My anxiety was in high gear today and I had to get a few things off my chest.
1. He told me he didn't love me but had a deep affection for me and was incapable of loving me. I called him and told him that hurt me to no end and he clarified himself. He told me that he feels a lot for me, but doesn't feel that he can say it yet and he didn't mean to hurt me with his poor word choice. That I can handle for now if he fixes his issues, which brings me to the 2nd half of our discussion.

2. I told him that he needed to make a conscious effort to get help for his divorce, because the major obstacle we are having here is his anger about the past and until he deals with that he won't be happy with me or anyone else. And since he agreed with me and didn't tell me I was wrong, and he agreed to get help I've decided to stay in our relationship.However if he doesn't make it happen then I'm done...

So for the moment I feel better and that we are making progress in the right direction...

[stablesgirl]

Good for you. I think you are right to stand up for yourself and to make choices that make YOU happy. I was in a relationship with a police officer and I think it's one of those "tough guy" careers that make it tough to get help -- like with his divorce -- and it's clear that he needs it.

Keep us posted! I hope it works out for you.

[Mloveb]

I am glad you got it off your chest and that he agreed to seek help. That is a great step and shows he cares about his future, conseling is great!

I agree with Stables let us know and I hope this helps him and you grow and by all means get back to school young lady so you can be happy at work!

[Jewel]

i wanted to send you a big and also to tell you that you're making the right decision by going back to school. Always put yourself FIRST! And keep us posted!