Settle in a Relationship?

[Jewel]

I was just talking to a friend of mine about something that I wanted to get your opinion on. Basically, she is 42 years old, and never been married, and we were talking about why that is. She said that she's always been picky and insisted on finding someone who would "look good on paper" (match all of her requirements in a relationship), and also she would have chemistry with. Well, that never happened because if she had chemistry with someone, there was some reason that she found to not pursue a relationship with him.

Now she feels very lonely and she keeps calling herself old, and says that if there was one message she would give younger women it would be to stop being super picky and to SETTLE for someone. Don't wait for someone who feels perfect, but just find someone that you can gt along with decently, and start a family.

Opinions?

[Nic902]

I wouldnt consider it 'settling' but I think if your standards are impossible to reach, then you need to lower them. NOBODY is perfect, so if thats what you're waiting for...you will NEVER find it and miss out on some amazing people along the way.
In my opinion, someone who hits it off and has great chemistry with a guy but finds other reasons it wont work has her own set of personal issues to deal with. She needs to do some work on herself first...or she will just continue to be self destructive.

[beautyinprogress]

Originally Posted by Nic902

I wouldnt consider it 'settling' but I think if your standards are impossible to reach, then you need to lower them. NOBODY is perfect, so if thats what you're waiting for...you will NEVER find it and miss out on some amazing people along the way.
In my opinion, someone who hits it off and has great chemistry with a guy but finds other reasons it wont work has her own set of personal issues to deal with. She needs to do some work on herself first...or she will just continue to be self destructive.

I totally agree. I think that setting one's standards so high is a sign of her being unhappy with some aspect of herself and that she needs to make a conscious effort to find out what it is...Good Luck to her

[firespinner93]

Yup, Nic said it perfectly.

[Mloveb]

James never married he's getting married for the first time at 40 because he didn't settle and he waited until someone felt perfect. He was in serious relationships a couple that were in the 7+ year range and he never flet right asking them to marry him. He seriously considered it one time but she showed him she wasn't the "right one". He waited and he always says he's happy he didn't just settle for one of those past relationships just because he was in them. But he didn't have impossible standards either his "list" so to speak was as follows:
someone who would thiink of him (no last min xmas gifts or bday gifts taht you ran out tha dya to get kinda thing)
Someone loved them and he didn't question it
Someone who he could have fun with and laugh with
Someone who he felt comfortable with

And honestly after his family telling me what he went through, one women would even hit him broke his nose and gave him a black eye. She also thought he was sleeping with his sister she was very jealous. That is from his family not him he won't insult exs. FN weirdo anyway. Last one was after his $$ and him to take care of her. Taht is a long story.

But anyway he waited and is happy he did, he finally has somene he can settle down and have a family with, some one who he feels is his team mate, someone who he can say without a doubt she loves me no matter what.

But I agree if someone has impossible standards like he must be X tall and weigh X adn must act like this and must make X much or have X car, that their need to adjust and be alittle more realistic.

I have a saying that I love to say to James, I love you, I adore you, I think your perfect for me flaws and all.

[froud]

I think if you want to breed then you will most likely have to choose someone who you might not think is perfect. But, if having children isn't on your agenda then waiting until you find someone you feel ticks all (or most) of your boxes makes sense. But you have to make sure that you are meeting lots of people in order to find that person.

There is a woman that I work with who just got married for the first time at 50 years old. She's a bit of an oddball but she waited and found someone who accepts her for who she is and she feels likewise.

[Kim312]

The bottom line is, that you need to figure out the elements of a relationship that are absolutely imperative for you to have, and qualities in someone that are a MUST and then reflect on what really doesn't matter. Like Nic said, no one is perfect... and generally the guys that "look good on paper" have some serious issues underneath. I think her advice to give to younger women is absolutely awful.

It sounds like your friend has been so involved in superficial aspects of people that she has never really opened her heart to loving someone... and I don't mean loving someone because of what they are, or what they look like, or how she will look on their arm.... and THAT is why she is 42 and single.