Bittersweet victory

[CaitStrong]

Those of you who have been following my journal know that I am in recovery from bulimia. I am beating it and really doing well. I believe that I will not go back to my old behaviours.

The trouble is that I was never 100% upfront with my husband or family about it. They all knew I had issues, but nobody knew how bad it really was, or the extreme and painful measures I went to with my ED and in trying to hide it. I will spare you the graphic details. I was slowly destroying myself inside and out.

One day I woke up and decided to recover. I have not b/p for over 3 months now, and have been eating clean 100% for a month. I got help only with physiological stuff like homeopathics and diet coaching. I have not gotten any other type of therapy, just using the tools I forgot I had to change my behaviours. My determination to recover has driven me to do so, I am finally ready.

So now that I am recovering, it is somewhat of a hollow victory. I want my husband to be proud of me, but he doesn't get it. Because nobody understood what I was doing, none of them can appreciate the changes I have made. I made some selfish decisions to help myself recover, so now it's just selfish Cait acting out again. I know I shouldn't base my feelings on approval or acknowlegdement from others, but it sure would be nice if my husband would at least be proud of me. I think this is a bit of a rant, so my apologies. I guess a secret battle comes with a very quiet victory. I kept my secret, that's what I get.

[Nic902]

CONGRATS on how far you've come I am so proud of you!
My family has no clue of the destuctive things I have done to my body either...I finally came clean with my BF, so he knows all the ugly details but since it isnt something he has struggled with, while he is proud and supports me..He doesnt REALLY understand.

Your victory is admirable and not the slightest bit hollow, you are an inspiration Cait...Be proud of YOU!

[stablesgirl]

If they didn't know how bad it was, it is probably hard for them to celebrate how great you're doing now! But your victory isn't so secret since you came clean to us. We are following along and we are very, very proud of you.

[CaitStrong]

Thanks guys, it means a lot to me to have your support. I didn't get better just for them, I needed to do it for myself. I can't really expect them to understand or fathom how I used to be or am for that matter. It is unfair to put that on them, and their approval is not the reason I decided to recover in the first place. Thanks for your input and support, I am grateful.

Thinking of you, love. Though you may feel alone, this is a huge step toward a new life for you. Celebrate yourself.

[dbroncofan]

I am really proud of you!

maybe one day you will be able to tell your family just how far you have come and they will be stunned with your dedication to over come.