Low Carb Snacks: Peanut Butter Cookies | Chocolate Cheesecake | Protein Ice Cream | Chocolate-Coconut Muffins | Guilt-Free CustardI Have Herpes. Help Me Save My Relationship!
We all go through tough times with the men in our lives from time to time. Sometimes these relationship problems are long-lasting, other times, they’re short-lived. Sometimes, they’re enough to break up a marriage… yet other times, we come out of them feeling closer to our guy than we ever did before.
Regardless of any circumstance, and no matter how great of a conversationalist you consider yourself to be, don’t you always wonder what really goes through a guy’s mind when he acts a certain way? Wouldn’t you just love to know what prompts certain actions (you know, the ones that make you wanna strangle him at times)?
Well, now you can!
Olicious Life has gathered a panel of our very own resident everyday guys. We’ve got a team of single, engaged, and married men in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s who are excitedly awaiting to respond to all of your burning “What’s he thinking?!” questions.
Please send in your questions to Submissions@OliciousLife.com. If you’d like to write to us anonymously, you may do so through here, AnonymousFeedback.com. If you’d like to chat with ladies, instead, stop by our relationship forum!
Editor’s note: OliciousLife.com or any of our authors or affiliates are not responsible for any action or non-action by the individual whose question appears below. Any information posted in this or any other article or post relating to this or any other question submitted to OliciousLife.com or any of its authors or affiliates are for entertainment purposes only. The below advice is not to be construed as legal advice, marriage counseling, or life coaching, and is not intended as such.
I have herpes and didn’t tell my boyfriend. What do I do now?
I have a feeling I’ll be judged for this, so before I say anything, I want to clarify that I do feel bad about it — but I do need a few words of advice.
I have herpes and have never told my boyfriend of 4 months about it. I don’t have sex with him if I have an outbreak, I usually just make excuses, like saying that I don’t feel good or I’m in a bad mood. I thought I can avoid telling him for now, but there is a problem.
We had sex Sunday night, and I went to the bathroom afterward and noticed that I had one small blister. So now, I’m terrified that he got it and will know that I had it all along.
Help me save the relationship!
Should I lie to him if he gets it and say that even if I have it I didn’t know? I don’t want this relationship to end like this because I care for him and it has been so great! Besides, I know I’m not the only one in my situation. My best friend has genital warts and she told her boyfriend about it as soon as they met. In return, he told her he has herpes. Now, they’re careful about when they have intercourse and time it around the outbreaks.
They have been together for two years now and are planning marriage. Because everything is fine with them, I thought I could have that too. I was just putting off telling my boyfriend about it because I wanted to find the perfect time to say it and make sure he understands.
Do you think he’ll end the relationship if he finds out that I knew and didn’t tell him? Is there any way he won’t?
I know he cares for me and is very attracted to me. Please, please help…I’m going crazy over this. I deserve a happy long term relationship like anyone else!
Answer
Not to beat around the bush here, but that’s just plain wrong. A friend of mine was in the same situation. He slept with a girl who had HPV but never told him. A while after they broke up, she called him and told him she had genital warts. However, by that time, he was already dating and sleeping with other girls, when all of a sudden he had a breakout of his own – probably infecting those other girls as well. All because his ex never told him anything.
No wonder all these diseases spread like wild fire. Nobody tells anybody until it’s too late. Even condoms don’t help in all instances and aren’t 100% effective.
How can you build a long lasting, loving relationship with all this deceit? How can he ever trust you again? Makes no sense to me. Why wouldn’t you tell him before you had sex? If he stayed at that point, then you would’ve known that it’s meant to be. If not, you would’ve just moved on!
You should have said something. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it if it were the other way around, where he had something and you got it without knowing. Imagine how that would feel.
This conversation should have happened four months ago!
You have to be honest right now.
Stop whatever you’re doing and tell him immediately! You can’t live life with the guilt and this constantly on your mind. You must be around him and always thinking about this and it’s probably eating you inside. Get it out in the open and off your chest.
You will feel much better as a result, even if he does leave. I can’t say I’d blame him for that, either. You lied to him in a round about way by not saying anything. You can’t and shouldn’t be in any relationship filled with lies. It’s not good for anyone.
If you’re just afraid that you won’t be able to have sex with anyone because of your condition, don’t be! There are lots of places where you can go to find guys who have the same condition you do. There are online places and craigslist personal ads filled with these personals.
If you find it this difficult to come clean with your significant other, it makes sense to just do a search and find someone where you wouldn’t have to worry about this at all.
Bottom line is, you lied by not telling him, and this might affect him for the rest of his life. Even though you say you “deserve a happy long term relationship,” I don’t think you are ready at this point, because if you were, you would have treated this situation in a more serious manner.
Take time to get comfortable with yourself, first!
Take a good look at your own reality.
Admit to yourself that you have this condition, and take responsibility for it by not letting it spread to other people. It’s not fair to the rest of the world, it’s not fair to that person, and most importantly, it’s not fair to yourself. Realize that you’re lying to yourself, as well.
Seek medical advice and counseling to help treat your STD. Do research on your own about being in relationships with this disease. There are tons of great information available right at your fingertips online. You need to figure this out so it doesn’t happen again in future relationships.
No way around it, you have to tell your boyfriend today. Don’t wait, don’t stall, just tell him. Get it done and over with. Then move on and concentrate on finding that “happy long term relationship” not filled with lying. Talk to a doctor or a counselor if you need some help. I know you can do it.
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I think you need to inform yourself of how herpes is transmitted. It can be passed on even when sores aren’t present.
http://www.herpes.com/Transmission.shtml
You state “I deserve a happy long term relationship like anyone else!”
Do you think deceit is any way to achieve that? Your behaviour is completely irresponsible, and dangerous to your partner’s health. Loving partners don’t treat each other this way.
FYI: People who knowingly transmit STDs, such as AIDS, have been required to award damages to plaintiffs in the US. Not only from a relationship perspective but also from a legal liability perspective, you should really change your behaviour. It could potentially end up costing you more than your relationship.
I agree with all of the above. I would also like to add that having an STD increases your risk of contracting HIV by up to five times if exposed. You are risking your partner’s health for your own selfish reasons.
There are still ways you can have sex in your relationship. You and your partner need to be open with each other and do some research to ensure you are not spreading infection.
I agree that you need to tell him and if he leaves then so be it…
Wow I totally agree with everything said in article and by posters. That is a horrible thing to do to a person. Being honest up front is very important. I agree stop and tell him RIGHT NOW!!
I am with the others. It is absolutely necessary for you to tell him, and SOON!
Yes well he may already have caught it from you. Like the response, even if you have used condoms all this time, he could still get it. He’ll have to get tested as that might be the only way to find out as it can lay dormant in him.
Your relationship is only on for 4 months, I think you need to tell him the truth but he won’t be happy. It might have to be one of those relationnships that is a learning experience. But who knows, maybe he’ll turn around and say he has another STD as well that he didn’t want to tell you about.
What I would like to know is how the woman who wrote this felt when she found out she had contracted the disease. Did the person tell her prior to having sex? If so, did she try to protect herself? Take yourself back to that day and realize what a terrible feeling it was for you. I couldn’t imagine you wanting someone you deeply cared for to feel that way.
With sexual activity comes responsibility. You sound a little selfish in this relationship and if you aren’t willing to protect his health, how will you ever protect his heart??
You 100% must tell him, and do not have sex with him again until you do and understand his reaction. Have you put yourself in his shoes? I for one know that I would be absolutely DEVASTATED if someone I cared about waited 4 months to drop a bomb on me like that they have herpes… and that is a BOMB. You need to come clean before you infect him and cause irrepairable damage to his quality of life.
And Katie is 100% absolutely spot on…. you have a responsibility when you are sexually active to not only protect yourself, but protect your partners… and that not only includes using condoms, but also being open and honest about STD’s, especially ones that are incurable.
like me if you call yourself doing the right thing by telling your partner….who may not be the guy in your life for the rest of your life….your taking a risk at the world knowing your personal life! dont nobody want anybody with an STD and the person that gave it to me lied and told me i gave it to him! its a gamble to me bcuz ppl say they can be mature enough to take the truth but its 2010 nobody wants to date you so……
I agree with the posters, even though I’m not going to be as harsh or AS judgemental. I have been on either side. I have herpes. The person who gave it to me most likely knew they had it because they were sleeping around with a lot of women (I found this out near the end of the relationship). I have slept with guys and did not tell them because I wanted to resume my life. I was also angry at men, in general. I didn’t see why I had to tell the truth and ruin my life when no one told me the truth. And I got a few STDs from my ex who continued to lie to me about where the STDs came from until it was too late.
Then I gave herpes to my husband. I thought he was like every other guy so I went on to use him as I felt I had been used. But he ended up being this sweet, caring man and for the first time since finding out I had herpes (about a year later), I felt guilt. I told my husband the truth after we got married so he wouldn’t leave me because I really wanted to be married to him. He took it in stride and did not make me feel guilty about it which is more than I deserved. But we went on to be married for 5 more years before we divorced, which was completely unrelated to the herpes but my deceit could have played a part in the deteoriation of our marriage.
We just grew apart. Nevertheless, I went into a downward spiral and thought of resuming my life the way I had when I first found out I had herpes. I began talking to this guy and began sleeping with him, the first man I talked to since my husband. Our relationship happened very quickly. I wasn’t having outbreaks and at first he was wearing condoms then he started not wanting to use them and during this time, I began to like him more and more. Then guilt began to rear its ugly head again. I remembered what I had done to my husband and how I lived with an unbearable amount of guilt. I couldn’t do that again so I told my new lover the truth. I would like for him to be my boyfriend and maybe even my husband one day. I think I love him.
I told him yesterday and he thanked me for being honest with him even though we have already slept together. But the way he saw it was that I didn’t have to tell him at all and I could have pretended that he gave it to me like some people do. I guess he saw that the fact that I would be upfront and say, “I have it and I want to protect you from getting it” was an affirmation of my love for him.
I was scared he would leave me. He was quiet and contemplative during our conversation but he was just like, “Ok.” And I was like, “What does Ok mean?” And he said, “Ok. It’s not a big deal.” And he went on to say how some people have it and aren’t clean or aren’t taking their meds or aren’t telling their partners. I am clean, taking baths regularly, grooming, etc. I take my medication and I am learning to be responsible and protect my partners.
Now my relationship with my guy is stronger than ever. We weathered the storm and I know that this entire situation has brought us closer together. Every day that I protect him from getting this disease shows my undeniable love for him. Every day that he risks his own health to be with me shows his indescribable love for me.
I know it was long-winded. Please excuse it, it’s just that this happened so recently that it’s still very fresh in my mind.
With all this being said, PLEASE tell your boyfriend NOW. If he really loves you, he’ll stay. But he has every right to be angry and leave you, even if he loves you because you betrayed his trust.
Be a woman and TAKE THAT CHANCE. If you really care about him, you will take that chance to save him. If he leaves you, pick up the pieces and move on then next time be honest as soon as you feel it’s the right time in the relationship and BEFORE you begin having sex, preferably.
Good luck to you and I wish you the best. Like I said, I have been there and people can leave comments but until they are living with this disease, they will not understand that it is never easy. It took me many years to mature and realize my responsibility to myself and everyone around me even if other people aren’t being honest with me. I think people also owe it to themselves to ask their partners to get tested before they begin having sex. There is so much going around.
Good luck and take care!
I am going thru a very difficult moment at this time. I just started a new relationship with this guy that we had been getting to know each other for about 7 months. Finally he decides to ask me if I want to be his girlfriend on Valetntines day of this year. I was very exited because this is the guy I had been waiting for to get serious with. So its been 4 days since we are ofifcial and my consience is killing me.
I really would prefer not to be judged, I know people will have their opinions but at the end of the day I am just trying to find courage to come clean and tell this man that I have herpes. I keep thinking that if I tell him I already knew I had it that it will shatter the trust. I feel horrible because we did have sex a few times without condom and the other with. He did go down on me once, but during all this time I did not have any outbreak and if I did I would have not done anything with him.
Now this man is very judgemental and I have a strong feeling that he will leave me when I tell him. He did not want to even kiss me one time before we were boyfriend and g friend because I had a cold. I wanted to tell him this way. I wanted to tell him that I saw like a bump in my genitalia like this week or something and that I got tested and that the test came back positive for herpes like if it was recent. Like I am actually thinking of getting a test tommorow just to phyc myself up mentally to tell him. That way it would not seem as bad, and if I did it tommorow and I tell him as soon as I get the results then its better that way. I mean I am telling him I have herpes and that alone is horrible. Imagine telling him that I knew for a long time. I want to tell him, he does deserve to know because he seems like he has good intentions. However I dont know if this is going go be a deal breaker for him. I pray it is not, I still dont know if I am mentally prepared for this since I had been waiting this long for him to come around. In a way I always felt like I didnt have anything because I hardly ever had outbreaks. I know this is horrible,I have snapped into reality and I have been this way for a few days now. I dont even feel like seing him. That is how horrible I feel. I have been in a deep deppresion due to this. I know the victim here is him and that he needs to know ASAP but this is the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. I wish this could all be a dream and I could wake up and everything will be fine. I know he cares for me alot.
By the way, my ex gave me this herpes and he did not even tell me. I never confronted him about it. We broke up and I never could confront him about it. I dont know why. Till this day I have not spoken to him about it. I should have, but I have lost all communication with him. This is horrible!
I would like to hear your opinions about how I am thinking of telling him. I feel really alone, my family does not know, only one friend knows that I told her last week and she lives 4 hours away. I am alone and I feel I will be judged. I know I have to tell him. Please give me your thoughts.
I appreciate your honesty but please dont judge me.
I had the same expierence. I just got out a year relationship with the guy that gave it to me and i finally found a guy that was amazing. He brought me out we conversated all the time and we really clicked. But i was scared terrified my first expierence what do i say how do i say it? Things got out of control one night and when he was behind me he slipped it in, i should of could of would of said something but i didnt. I was terrified, thats no excuse but its the truth. As soon as he left i texted him told him everything, my being wouldnt have it any other way, i felt so guilty still do. He hasnt talked to me, i wouldnt either. Its ripping me apart inside thinking of my actions, but it was a mistake. Im human and at least i said something instead of nothing, like my ex who still denies it, which all the signs pointed to it. You cant hold on to something thats not real, reality is sometimes hard to deal with but you have no choice. We have to accept our mistakes learn from them and move on,