When we love someone we become vulnerable to hurt, it is true. But choosing not to love in order to protect our self from hurt offers a lonely existence.

Love hurts when we rely on our partner to make us happy or to prove to us that we are loveable. These positions inevitably lead to disappointment and hurt. Even if our partner was willing to constantly work to make us happy or to consistently try to convince us that we are loveable, unless we choose to be happy and we whole-heartedly believe that we are loveable, they will fail.

Love also hurts when it is not nourished. When we take each other for granted or fail to make our partner and our relationship a top priority in each other’s lives, our relationship will drain rather than feed us. Love hurts when trust is broken and our world comes crashing down on our heads. Betrayal and infidelity leave some of the deepest wounds.

A Spanish proverb says, “Where there is love there is pain.” It is because we care deeply for someone that we become vulnerable to being hurt. But the flip side is also true, love gives us the potential for shared joy. When you love someone, it is not always going to be smooth sailing. But if you make your love a priority and pull together instead of apart, then it is more likely you will make it safely to shore.

The Kenny Roger’s song The Gambler, says, “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, Know when to walk away and know when to run.” The same concept can be applies to relationships. Some relationships even though they may be painful at times are worth saving. For some it may be time to fold, or end the relationship. If there is abuse involved, you may need to run rather than walk away.

Improving Relationships Blog

In the course of counseling couples we find that even when they come for help they don’t always want to fix their relationship.  The obvious reasons could be thinking things like, we don’t need a stranger knowing our private stuff, it is too embarrassing to talk about, we can do this on our own, it’s not that bad, I’m only here because s/he dragged me. But there are also less obvious reasons as well.

For some counseling is a last ditch “effort” before they cut out and run, so they can say, “I tried everything, I even went counseling and now I’m done.” This attitude has its root in selfishness and the main reason for divorce and relationship break-ups is selfishness. However, there are those who don’t really want to come because they are unsure about their relationship, themselves, about life in general. There may be an element of fear involved. Fear that they married the wrong person, fear that if things change their partner may leave or if things don’t change they may leave, fear of what the change do to them personally, fear that if their partner really knew them and what they were thinking it would blow them away.

In order for a relationship to function at its maximum potential both parties have to really know who they are inside, they have to be whole. Becoming a whole person may or may not be possible but the striving for that state has a terrific impact. It starts simply. Acceptance. You have to accept who you are and be comfortable, even happy with who you are. Accept the fact you are not perfect, you don’t have a size 2 figure or have biggest muscles on the block, but you are a perfectly working human being.  Jennifer Louden explains it this way, “I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.”

Accept the idea that it is okay not to be everything to your partner, that he or she is just fine on their own. That may be a little scary at first, if they are okay on their own then they may not need you. But think about and realize the freedom that gives each of you to be yourself. Accept that no matter how or what your partner is feeling, thinking or doing that does not determine who you are. You don’t have to feel, think or do the same in order to be a couple, in fact you will be a stronger couple if you allow and accept the idea that you are two different people—people who love one another and accept each other for who they really are.

“Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action. If you don’t fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don’t fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.” Peter McWilliams, Life 101

This type of acceptance goes a long way to becoming a whole person, and a loving one.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improving Relationships Blog

On January 14th, a young high school girl in Massachusetts responded to months of torment and abuse from fellow classmates by hanging herself in a stairwell. 15-year-old Phoebe Prince suffered unimaginable bullying from 9 classmates dubbed “The Mean Girls” including complaints of statutory rape, violation of civil rights, criminal harassment, and stalking.

All charges were ignored and no punishment was set forth against her violators by school officials.

Phoebe’s aunt allegedly warned the school prior to her enrollment that her niece was susceptible to bullying and needed looking after.  The school was also warned about patterns of abuse in schools that Phoebe attended in Ireland.

It's too late for Phoebe, an innocent victim of relentless abuse. But it isn't too late for your children!

Bullying Leading to Suicide is Common

Sadly, Phoebe is not the first case of extreme bullying leading to suicide of a teen. In 2008, 15-year old freshman of Vasquez High School in California shot himself in the head while in the school bathroom after months of torment from other students.

Bullying lead Carl Walker-Hoover of Springfield, MA to take his own life at the age of 11 after daily taunting of being gay. Two weeks after Carl died, 17-year old Eric Mohat took his own life after being urged to do so by bullies.

Bullying is Often Overlooked

This phenomenon, known as “bullycide,” is all too common according to a study performed at Yale University in 2008. The study found that victims of bullying are 2 to 9 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than other children. These children are driven beyond the ability to cope with systematic abuse and threats, seeing suicide as the only escape from torture.

Bullying is often dismissed as a ‘rite of passage’ in the world of children, and kids are told to toughen their skin and avoid tattling on other kids. The truth is, bullying is one of the most harmful acts students commit and seriously threatens the lives of children daily. Not only are children physically assaulted, but they also witness a devastating impact on their social and psychological well-being.

Parental and School Involvement

No child should have to succumb to the abuse that Phoebe or any of these countless other children witnessed, nor should any parent fear sending a child to school unprotected. Lack of community in schools causes tension between not only the students, but also the parents and teachers.

PTA organizations meet on a monthly basis to discuss fundraisers, plan events, and decide how and when to spend funds. However, strong issues like bullying and safety are seldom addressed.

Bullying should be addressed seriously and often during and after school. Teachers and parents should have the right to address concerns and be taken seriously when a child feels threatened. A child should also feel safe when telling an adult that he or she feels threatened, and know that they will be protected from harm.

Often, targets of bullying are dismissed or not taken seriously. They’re even afraid to approach authority for fear of being seen and “ratting out” the bully.  If no outcome arises from the confessed harassment, a likely reprisal from the bully will follow.

Cyber Bullying

Bullying not only needs to be addressed on school campuses, but also at home. The Internet opened up a whole new realm for torment with what is known as ‘cyber bullying.’  Bullying often follows students home through social networking sites, cell phones, or other electronic devices. Situations occur when children are repeatedly tormented or harassed through texting, emailing, instant messages, and social media forums.

Who is at risk of bullying?

Neil Marr and Tim Field, the pioneers who began Bullyonline.org, define a victim of bullying as one who “has a very low propensity to violence and a mature understanding of the need to resolve conflict with dialogue rather than violence.”  They believe that bullies exploit these cherished values, and torment their victims until anger builds up inside and the victim becomes explosive with anger. Often this anger is self-inflicted, leading to depression, self-inflicted harm, and even suicide.

How can you help?

Effective anti-bullying programs involve everyone in the community. Parents, students, teachers, and faculty alike all need to take a responsible roll when protecting children from harassment. Bullying is non-biased and can happen in any school to any child.

Begin speaking to your children about fairness and kindness at a very young age. Make them aware of what bullying is by the second or third grade, and teach them important lessons about citizenship, violence, and conflict-resolution.

Teachers should focus on inclusion and avoid separating or excluding children who don’t fit in from activities. Encourage skills that teach children to look after each other and feel empowered when protecting fellow classmates.  Children should learn to stand up for others rather than stand by and watch other get harmed.

Children should also understand that protecting others by telling an adult about bullying is not ‘tattling’ on classmates.  Sticking up for others is a brave and responsible thing to do and should be encouraged to come forward and protect others.

About Kellie

Kellie Davis is a graduate from Florida Gulf Coast University with a B.A. in English. She is now a freelance writer, contributor to the Olicious Life, and NPC figure competitor. She currently resides in Arizona with her husband and two young children.

Kids go through phases of eating, making it difficult to establish healthy eating patterns. One month, they seem to eat everything you place in front of them, while the next month all they want is chicken tenders and grapes.

Of course, picky eating is a control mechanism for kids, providing them the ability to express their desire to have what they want. But, fluctuation in eating patterns might really occur because of changes in your lifestyle that you have yet to recognize.

How busy are you?

Life gets hectic. The older your children are, the more activities you seem to be involved in. Busy schedules often translate to fast methods of feeding. Peanut butter sandwiches in the car between soccer and ballet might become a norm in your household — worse yet, hitting the drive-thru on the way to your next baseball game.

If you are always in a rush to get from point A to Z, then your family’s diet suffers. Have no fear, below are some tips to help you keep your kids eating healthy, and halt the threat of World War III at the dinner table.

Family dinners:

You may not be able to throw together a 5-course dinner every single night, but sitting down with the family is a vital component to healthy eating. It teaches your children that eating is important, and they should take time out of their day to do so. It also allows you that much needed, and often neglected, family time.

Quick tip: if you are running around from activity to activity, then pack a picnic. Arrive to the activity 15 minutes early and set out a blanket and your basket. If your child needs to run off to his game or event, then at least he will have his dinner waiting when he gets back.

Cook at home:

Does the pizza delivery know you by first, where you were born, and that you hate black olives? If so, then dust off your stove and get out those pots and pans. Even if you detest the thought of cooking, you can throw together simple meals that your family will love.

Quick tip: Check out the recipes on Olicious Life to get ideas for quick and easy healthy meals and desserts.

Get your family involved:

Though they fight it, kids actually thrive on responsibility. Instead of kicking them out of the kitchen when you make dinner, had them a list of tasks. Kids love to wash and prepare veggies, set the table, and even help clean up.

Quick tip: Kids are more inclined to eat something if they pick it out and prepare it. Take your kids to the grocer and let them help you decide what’s for dinner.

Make a menu:

After a long day at work, the last thing you want to do when you get home is to think. If you make a weekly, or even monthly menu to follow, then all of your thinking is done for you. Menus also save you money at the grocer because you are less likely to overspend when you shop.

Quick tip: Have at least two nights a week set aside for leftovers. It may work best to cook your largest meals on the weekends, so those on busy weeknights, you can effortlessly throw together something good. Leftovers also make great picnic foods.

As you are reading this article, no less than one in three women you know are experiencing a loss of interest in sex.

“Loss of libido in women, or low sexual desire, is the most common sexual problem for women and the main reason they seek sex therapy,” says Patricia Koch, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Biobehavioral Health & Women’s Studies at Pennsylvania State University and Adjunct Professor of Human Sexuality at Widener University. “It affects anywhere from 33% to 67% of women, depending on how sexual desire is defined and reported,” according to Koch, whose research specializes in loss of libido in women.

It can happen to men, too — but because it only affects about half as many men as women, it is not men’s top sex problem. (See Loss of Libido in Men for more on that.) So what exactly does loss of libido mean for women and why does it happen? WebMD consulted the top experts in the field of sexuality for answers on not only the causes, but the treatments as well.

What Does Loss of Libido Mean?

“Sexual desire is one of the most difficult to define because it is more psychological than physiological,” says Koch, who is also President of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality.

Edward Laumann, lead author of The Social Organization of Sexuality, a compendium of survey data on sexual practices in the United States, offers a simple definition: “It is a lack of interest in sex for several months of the past year.”

In short, women know it when they don’t feel it.

Is Loss of Libido in Women Normal?

“Don’t call loss of libido a disorder,” Laumann says. “How can it be a dysfunction if one-third of women, no matter what their age, report that they lose interest?

“This is normal,” he says, and a growing number of researchers concur.

“Low sexual desire is not a disease, it is the understandable result of an imbalance in your life…in your relationship, your life circumstances or your body,” writes Kathryn Hall, Ph.D. in Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back into Your Life.

Just because loss of libido in women is normal and common, however, doesn’t mean you can’t fix it. Many women feel as if they are letting their partners down. They also feel alienated and left out in today’s powerfully sexually-charged world where everyone, from the models in lingerie ads to the doctors on TV, seem to think of little else besides sex. It’s as if “you’re the only one who doesn’t get the joke,” writes Hall.

Even worse, losing interest in sex can mean you miss out on a lot more than simply one of life’s few non-fattening pleasures. It can begin to drain the passion out of the rest of your life, as well.

“I saw this woman [a patient] yesterday — for eight years she had no interest sexually; all she thought about was taking care of her four children and her husband,” says Esther Perel, a couples and family therapist in New York City, and author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.

“And then slowly, all the other pleasures went, too. Food. Swimming. Everything about pleasing herself went, one after the other. She was numb,” Perel says.

There are things women can do to rekindle desire and bring passion and pleasure back in their lives. But the first step is to understand why you might be losing interest.

Why Does It Happen? The Causes of Loss of Libido in Women

• Biology plays a significant role in loss of libido.

For women, sex can have serious consequences — a baby to take care of for the next twenty years. Not surprising that females seem hard-wired to approach sex with slightly less abandon than males.

“It’s a control device — pregnancy is a threatening condition for women — it renders them vulnerable, they can’t run from predators,” says Laumann. Men can afford to have sex at any moment, Laumann says — it doesn’t make them vulnerable. But for women it’s much riskier, which can cause loss of libido.

• Socialization in our culture causes loss of libido in women.

If biology doesn’t get you then social standards will.

“We found that the messages women get from society about double standards has a big affect on their sexual desire,” Koch says. “I work with college women, and even though we have Sex and the Cityon TV saying you can be sexual, women still get the message that it is not OK. Men are looked at as studs if they are sexual, but the women are still called sluts.”

• The quality of the relationship affects libido.

“For women, desire is elicited in the connection in the relationship. If we don’t talk and connect, we don’t have sex — for men, they connect in the sex,” explains Perel.

Koch agrees. For women, “it’s not what happens in the bedroom — their desire arises when they are interacting with their partner, just touching, talking, when they go on a hike or a picnic, that starts to get them sexually interested,” Koch says. If the quality of those intimate but nonsexual contacts aren’t being attended to, most women just won’t feel “in the mood.”

• Hormones influence libido.

“Hormonal fluctuations with pregnancy, breast-feeding [resulting in elevated prolactin levels] — and then with perimenopause later in life all can lessen desire,” says Eva Ritvo, MD, Chair at the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral medicine at Mount Sinai Medical Center, Florida, and author of The Concise Guide to Marital and Family Therapy.

Vaginal dryness, which can result from declining estrogen levels, can make sex painful and cause loss of libido. Testosterone levels also affect libido in men and women — and for women that hormone often peaks in their mid-20s and declines from there until menopause, when levels drop dramatically.

• Medical conditions and medications can cause loss of libido.

Depression and the SSRI antidepressants used to treat it can also inhibit desire. So can certain blood-pressure-lowering drugs. Conditions such as endometriosis, fibroids and thyroid disorders can also cause loss of libido in women.

• Changing life stages — and stress — influence libido.

Life changes — especially the birth of a child — can cause a loss of libido in women. “Among women surveyed in their 20s with a child under five or six — their lack of interest doubled and tripled,” Laumann says. “You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out — physical stress and tiredness are big factors.” Other life changes, such as losing a job or watching kids leave the nest, can all trigger stress and dampen libido.

10 Tips for Rekindling Sexual Desire

Remember, frequency is not the measure of a healthy sex drive. Your feelings are what count. If you look forward to sex, and feel good about it, before during and after, that is the true measure of libido. Here’s how to help make your love life interesting and satisfying again.

• Try selfishness to boost libido. “The thing that most inhibits desire in women is caretaking — taking care of the kids, taking care of the husband,” says Perel. “Caretaking makes a woman think about others. But if you can’t be selfish — in the most positive terms it is the capacity to be focused on the self in the presence of others — you can’t have an orgasm.”

• Focus on small, private pleasures. For the woman with four kids who came into Perel’s office, feeling asexual and numb to all pleasure, Perel did not recommend going on a date with her husband. She suggested that the woman focus on her own simple pleasures. Hire a babysitter and go to a movie, enjoy a fragrant, leisurely bath — to remind herself she deserves to feel pleasure. Start small and build.

• Reconnect safely and non-sexually to combat loss of libido. For many couples, before you can think about improving the sex, it is important to repair the intimate connection. David Schnarch, director of the Marriage and Family Health Center in Evergreen, CO, and author of Passionate Marriage, recommends the Hug-Until-You-Relax technique. It is simply a long hug, with both partners clothed, lasting 5-to-10 minutes — until you feel relaxed and at peace. This reconnection — “maintaining your sense of self when you are emotionally and physically close to others,” Schnarch says — is the foundation of passion in a relationship.

• Changing the scenery fuels libido in women: Passion feeds on a sense of newness and excitement — boredom is the enemy. “When things get routine it hurts the libido,” says Ritvo. “Get a hotel room, even in your own town, for a night, to spice things up.” Or change rooms in the house — who says lovemaking always has to happen in the bedroom?

• Try self-stimulation to help loss of libido: “Women who are able to masturbate are more likely to be more satisfied with a partner and experience orgasm more consistently,” says Koch. “It is a myth that if women enjoy masturbation, they won’t want a partner — it’s the reverse. You learn what feels good and you can express that to your partner, and guide your partner,” Koch says.

• Talk about what you like and want to boost libido: The worst thing you can do, if you have been avoiding sex together, is to stop talking about it as if the problem will disappear. To keep the distance between you from growing, talk about your willingness to connect. Read sex books together, look at the pictures, laugh — and let your partner know what you’d like him to try with you — next time — to take off any immediate pressure.

• Use lubricants to combat loss of libido in women. Vaginal dryness does not have to get in the way of enjoyment. If you go outside the local pharmacy to a sex shop (see Tip 10), you can find a wide variety of lubricants, in different flavors and aromas. Just shopping for them together can be erotic. Estrogen cream, applied directly into the vagina, can help increase vaginal secretions. Unlike oral estrogens that carry some cancer risks, estrogen creams are considered generally safe. Still, talk with your doctor about whether this treatment might be right for you before trying it.

• Stop worrying about how you look…naked and otherwise. “Research shows that women are harsher on evaluating their own bodies than men are,” Koch says. “Your partner probably finds you more attractive than you think you are.” So relax and be kinder to yourself — enjoy.

• Focus on the whole body to combat loss of libido. Where sexual satisfaction is concerned, paradoxically, the longer, meandering route can be the shortest path to pleasure. Don’t head straight for the genitals — encourage your partner, by example, to tease and take detours. Be pleasure oriented, not goal oriented. Continue to take your time even when you shift gears into a more sexual mode. And remember, it is not only your partner’s job to turn you on, desire should begin with you.

• Have realistic expectations to avoid loss of libido. Be realistic in your expectations. Women can take about three times as long (or longer) to reach orgasm as men and, by some estimates, only “26% of women report that they always have orgasms,” says Laumann. But even without the Big O, women report enjoying the sex and feeling closer to their partner afterwards. So mentally shift gears from Mommy Mode to Sex Goddess Mode. And give yourself permission to try new things — you may surprise yourself. “No absolutes — lingerie, sex toys, pornography — it’s what works and is safe and consensual and pleasing to both partners,” says Ritvo.

The following article originally appeared on Yahoo, and was written by Jessica Ashley.

Is a Parent Responsible for Their Child’s Body Size?

When I read the story all over the news today about the mother arrested and being charged with criminal neglect because her 14-year old son weighs 555 pounds, my heart sank. But I didn’t know what to say or even think about the whole situation.

My heart sank because there is boy who is barely in high school who is living in a body that must be pushed to its limits. Being a teenager is hard enough, and I cannot imagine how physically and emotionally difficult it must be for this kid, who surely cannot participate in many of the activities and opportunities that get teens through those tough years.

His mother, Jerri Gray, says that she did not keep sweets or soda in the house, but admits she left her son home alone often while she worked second-shift or third-shift jobs. She also said she had to bring home fast food for dinner because of her demanding work schedule.

Attorneys for the family said that she did take as many opportunities as she could to treat her son’s obesity. However, South Carolina’s State Department of Social Services pursued custody the boy in foster care after health care providers reported that his mother was not meeting his medical needs. The agency found the boy to be at high risk and placed him in foster care.

The situation was already quite complicated. Under fire in May, Gray fled the state with her son. Once found in Maryland, her son was examined by paramedics and turned over to the state’s Department of Human Resources while Gray was arrested for violation of a custody order.

Although it is reported that Gray did follow the department’s guidelines, it is presumed that the 14-year old eating more than the food she provided for him. Lt. Shea Smith countered that, saying that Gray did not take advantage of all opportunities for her son’s medical care.

Similar cases have been considered in five other states. Family attorneys expressed concern on CNN that this case would open the door for parents to be held legally responsible if their children are eating disordered or even if they become pregnant.

I will be watching with interest to see what happens in this case and what kind of precedent it may set for parents of obese — or starving or pregnant, as the lawyers projected — children. I believe parents are the biggest role models for health and wellness for their children and thereby need to be the most accountable. I’d love to hear this mom say that maybe she didn’t teach him well enough, didn’t provide enough healthy foods for her growing son to thrive. However, I wonder if she, like many parents, was so mired in her responsibilities and work schedule that she just couldn’t. I wonder if she just doesn’t know what to do or how to take on her son’s critical needs.

Who's to blame?

But should she serve time for that? Should she lose custody of her son?

I can’t say. I don’t even know where to stand on the issue. It all seems like too much. It all seems overdone when it could be an opportunity for someone to step in and get this family on an intense program and maybe turn this all around.

Still, my heart sinks for the kid who was already home a lot, who already has a lot to deal with, and now featured all over the Internet and news and may be separated from his mother. Childhood obesity is awful and heart-breaking, yes. But is it criminal?

Most importantly, is he getting the emotional care, counseling, and medical attention social services says he needs while he is in foster care? I’d like to know that.

I’d also like to know the true health status of this 14-year old kid. Does he have any medical complications? How is his blood pressure? Is he sleeping well? Is he active? Is he happy? We can place a lot of assumptions on him by his weight, but I do think there is more here to be considered.

Until then, all we as readers know is that a child is obese and his parent is being charged with unlawful neglect for it. As this case continues to unfold and as this child is in the care of another family, perhaps we need to take the situation personally. Perhaps we need to turn our attention away from the photos of this boy to consider the question seeded by the attorneys. If we are parents, perhaps this is a chance to be self-reflective, and if we are not, perhaps it is a chance to think about how we were raised by asking:

Should a parent be held responsible for their child’s body size?

Regardless of any circumstance, and no matter how great of a conversationalist you consider yourself to be, don’t you always wonder what really goes through a guy’s mind when he acts a certain way? Wouldn’t you just love to know what prompts certain actions (you know, the ones that make you wanna strangle him at times)?

Well, now you can!

Olicious Life has gathered a panel of our very own resident everyday guys. We’ve got a team of single, engaged, and married men in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s who are excitedly awaiting to respond to all of your burning “What’s he thinking?!” questions.

Please send in your questions to Submissions@OliciousLife.com. If you’d like to write to us anonymously, you may do so through here, AnonymousFeedback.com. If you’d like to chat with ladies, instead, stop by our relationship forum!

Editor’s note: OliciousLife.com or any of our authors or affiliates are not responsible for any action or non-action by the individual whose question appears below. Any information posted in this or any other article or post relating to this or any other question submitted to OliciousLife.com or any of its authors or affiliates are for entertainment purposes only. The below advice is not to be construed as legal advice, marriage counseling, or life coaching, and is not intended as such.

His Chats with a “Friend.”

My boyfriend of three years has a female friend who calls him daily. He speaks to her for hours on end! And the worst part is that she’s said many times to him, in text messages and emails, that she’s…

In Love with Him!

They used to live close by but he has since moved for a job, and they haven’t seen each other since he moved. He swears to me that they have been friends the entire time and were never anything more, but I have personally seen text messages where she tells him about how she feels about him, tells him she misses him, and can’t wait to see him.

I spoke to him about this and he said that he doesn’t care about her in “that way.” Then I told him that we should break it off because he talks to her so much, and he said that he doesn’t want that. And yet, he spends hours every night talking to this girl, without fail!

I want to stay with him. I don’t know how to approach this anymore.

Please Help!

Answer

I must say that I don’t like the situation you are in here, but I dislike the situation that you put him in, too. Ultimatums are almost always a bad idea. It would have been much better had you come to him and simply, calmly, discussed your feelings about these chats he is having.

Are you jealous? Then say so. Ask him how he would feel if you were to chat for hours daily with a male friend who he knew was in love with you. Ask him to close his eyes and really picture this scenario, see how this would make him feel. I don’t know any guy who would be comfortable in this situation. I know I wouldn’t!

I think this simple exercise would serve to wake him up from what he is doing here.

Decide What You Want

What exactly would you like for him to do? Discontinue speaking with her altogether, limit their conversations to once weekly… include you in some of the conversations, what?

You need to know exactly what would make you feel better before you even approach your boyfriend. Tell him exactly what would make you feel better, and he will be much more likely to respond when he sees solid steps he can take to make you feel better about this whole thing.

I’m sure that he in no way intends to hurt you. People love attention, we all like to be loved. If you were getting attention from a man who told you that he misses and loves you constantly, you would probably want to speak with him too, wouldn’t you? Of course this exceeds boundaries, primarily because it bothers you, but understand where he is coming from, too.

He Doesn’t Mean to Upset You!

You must understand this fact. I highly doubt there is anything at all going on here, as he doesn’t hide from you the fact that they speak at all. I would trust the fact that there is nothing going on here. However this isn’t the issue. The issue lies in how YOU feel about this whole thing.

Your boyfriend is wrong to continue the friendship after her expressions of love for him and your displeasure. He’s being unfair to you here, and he just needs to realize this. He is also being very unfair to her by very obviously leading her on, and while he may not want to upset her, as she is his “friend,” he still needs to put things in perspective here.

When to Beware

I can’t end this without putting in a word of warning:

If after you have a calm conversation with your boyfriend, he still resists discontinuing these conversations (or you find that he starts hiding them from you), then LEAVE HIM.

You deserve better than someone who is unwilling to do something so simple to satisfy your emotional needs. Beyond that, if he is unwilling, then something more is going on here, and it should be plenty obvious to you at that point.

Good luck. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that all goes well and this whole thing stays in the past as you two move forward.

Regardless of any circumstance, and no matter how great of a conversationalist you consider yourself to be, don’t you always wonder what really goes through a guy’s mind when he acts a certain way? Wouldn’t you just love to know what prompts certain actions (you know, the ones that make you wanna strangle him at times)?

Well, now you can!

Olicious Life has gathered a panel of our very own resident everyday guys. We’ve got a team of single, engaged, and married men in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s who are excitedly awaiting to respond to all of your burning “What’s he thinking?!” questions.

Please send in your questions to Submissions@OliciousLife.com. If you’d like to write to us anonymously, you may do so through here, AnonymousFeedback.com. If you’d like to chat with ladies, instead, stop by our relationship forum!

Editor’s note: OliciousLife.com or any of our authors or affiliates are not responsible for any action or non-action by the individual whose question appears below. Any information posted in this or any other article or post relating to this or any other question submitted to OliciousLife.com or any of its authors or affiliates are for entertainment purposes only. The below advice is not to be construed as legal advice, marriage counseling, or life coaching, and is not intended as such.

We Hit It Off… Then, He Vanished!

I met a guy online 3 months ago and we started chatting but then totally hit it off. We even spent a few nights on the phone, ALL night long, waking up still holding our phones! Well, we finally decided to meet last weekend. He came to pick me up at 6, and this was the first time we met but everything seemed to be going so well!

We went out to a movie and he took the stub from me and wrote on the back “our first date,” then gave it back to me and told me to hold on to it as “history.” We talked a lot after the movie and went out to dinner, and had such a great time, we both spent lots of time chatting and clicked!

No Awkwardness!

Prior to even meeting we both said that if there was something we disliked or didn’t feel right about “us,” we would just say it. Well, we talked about it after we met, and both agreed than we wanted to pursue this relationship. When he walked me to the door he asked me if I want to go out the following night again and I said yes. Then after he left, he called me 10 minutes later to say goodnight, and we stayed on the phone for almost an hour chatting again!

Then he said, “I’m off to bed but will call you when I wake up tomorrow morning.”

He Still Hasn’t Called — 5 Days Later!

If he doesn’t want to continue seeing each other, why not tell me, and why would he keep leading me on the entire night? He’s ignoring my calls and emails, too. I don’t understand why he would make plans for the following day if he didn’t want to pursue anything. I am so confused! And this after he said he didn’t like games!

Answer

Well, the first thing you should understand is that when a guy tells you something, especially on the first date, you shouldn’t believe him. The idea of him “disliking games” would fall into this category. But besides that, this doesn’t really sound like a game. He’s just being himself.

He’s Being a Guy.

I’ll explain…

I don’t know any guy who likes offending or disappointing women. As terrible as this may seem, we’ll say just about anything to avoid this happening. This means that whatever he told you that first time you went out really doesn’t mean much to him — nor should it to you.

For the vast majority of us and just about any guy I know, the whole idea is to make that evening out as great and entertaining as possible. We will usually stop at nothing to make sure the girl has a wonderful time, even if deep down inside, we don’t have any intentions beyond this night.

No matter what we may think of you or the possibility of any relationship with you, we still want you to like us! We’ll say anything we deem necessary to make sure that you do end up liking us at the end of the night.

This is Not a Game!

This is instinct. This behavior ensures that we end up being the ones with the ball in our court. We don’t do this meaning to hurt you, or to play any games. We aren’t doing this for entertainment purposes. We’re simply securing our place in your mind as that of someone with whom you enjoy spending time.

Regardless of what this guy said to you, he went to bed that night not being 100% sure about what he wants and doesn’t want to develop with you. It’s very possible that he had other dates since then, too. And it’s very likely that all of the girls he has seen heard the exact same things he’s told you!

We can't help wanting to be liked by as many women as possible!

At this point, he is taking his time getting back to for one of any number of reasons. It could be that he’s already decided that he does not want to proceed with any kind of relationship with you, in which case he’s possibly hoping that you forget him and move on, as he doesn’t want to say this out loud.

It’s also possible that he just hasn’t made up his mind about you yet, and he’s taking his time doing this. Or maybe, he’s simply one of those procrastinators who hasn’t gotten around to calling you and keeps putting it off! And now that a few days have passed, he may be trying to think of a valid reason to give you.

Move On!

I don’t want to hurt you by saying this, but my best advice to you would be to move on. It has been long enough, and unless he’s deathly ill in the hospital, he’s moved on. And so should you!

Stop waiting; move on!

The good news is that there’s a lesson in all this: Take every word a guy says to you with a grain of salt, especially when it’s said on the first date.

Most of us don’t like “games” as much as you don’t, but we can’t help but be ourselves — be guys.

One last note: Next time, when a guy tells you he’ll call you, don’t call him. Even if he’s disappeared for a few days. Just move on!

You’ve set your goal for the year and it probably relates to optimal health. However, say this to your daughter, and the message is decoded as a foggier version of the truth. How is it that our lifestyle choices, healthy though they may seem, can invoke body image and eating disorders in our kids?

When a woman decides to go on a diet, her goal is voiced to her entire entourage. Why wouldn’t it be? Everyone needs to be on-board with your goals in order for you to be successful. Unfortunately, sometimes the terminology used and the actions we take translate to unhealthy habits in our children.

A recent study shows that girls in particular are more likely to be influenced when a mother diets. They pick up on verbal and visual clues and create their very own idea of dieting, which is often distorted. During the study, a five-year old girl responded to her idea of a diet as, “you can’t eat.”

Though you feel that your daughter never listens, she really does pay attention to what you do and say. A mother’s referencing to her own weight issues, diet habits, and desire to change her own body weighs heavy on the mind of her daughter.

She sees and hears more than you think!

Self Image and Dieting

So often dieting goals interfere with self-esteem. Dieting and weight loss conquer our own self-image because it forces us to break down our bad habits and truly see what we don’t like about ourselves. In turn, our diet can become an obsession toward ridding ourselves of the ugly, rather than bringing out what’s beautiful.

Add in all of the other influences that lead to low self-esteem and body image issues, and you may watch your daughter decline into an eating disorder. Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to say that you cannot worry about your own body for the sake of saving your daughter.

The intention is to raise consciousness of how we perceive ourselves.

Perhaps the lesson to take away is a simple as an age-old idiom: practice what you preach. You can’t just tell your daughter to have positive body image, to love herself for who she is, and that beauty lies within — if you don’t truly feel this way about yourself.

You need to truly embrace your own sense of self, and reflect upon your daughter the positivity of healthy living. Don’t focus on your flaws; focus on the benefits of your new positive choices. Think of fat loss, muscle gain, and nicer curves as the added secret perks.

Helping Your daughter See the Beauty Within Herself

• Help her understand that weight gain is a normal part of her body changing.
• Avoid negativity about food, body size, weight, and shape.
• Allow your daughter to be an integral part of healthy choices. Involve her in making decisions about the food she eats and the activities she participates in.
• Compliment her everyday. Compliment her talents, her success, her looks, her personal values, her everything.
• Set boundaries about what she views on television, on the internet, and in magazines. Discuss with her what she sees and her views on these images.
• We can blame the media only so much. It is how we allow our daughters to view the media that really matters.
• Always keep communication lines open with your daughter. Let her know you really understand what she is going through and you are 100% supportive of her.

Contest Dieting

I would like to make a special note about contest dieting. As competitors, we know the effect our diet has on our bodies. We know the numerous supplements taken to give our bodies what our restricted diet lacks.  We also know that our diet can’t last forever if we want to maintain a healthy metabolism.

However, our daughters view this diet very differently. They watch us calculate our macronutrients, measure our portions, and eat a restricted diet like clockwork. Not only do they watch our eating habits, but also our physical changes.

Do you want your child seeing you agonize over every piece of food you eat?

Depending on your daughter’s views, this lifestyle may seem very enticing, or it may completely deter her. It is important for you to be open with her about what you are doing and why you are doing it. Let her know that it is part of the sport, and not part of your daily life.

Discuss with her know about the risk and rewards involved, and how important it is to do everything right. Be supportive when her curiosity is piqued, but don’t give her every detail if she is not interested.  It best not to force her to learn about your dieting, but to make it a part of her normal life.

About Kellie

Kellie Davis is a graduate from Florida Gulf Coast University with a B.A. in English. She is now a freelance writer, contributor to the Olicious Life, and NPC figure competitor. She currently resides in Arizona with her husband and two young children.